FTBP's Big Night Out

Preparations are nearly complete for the FTBP Inaugural Golf Championships to be held later this month.

FTBP Golf Society Secretary Ian Wilson has put together another of his outstanding mini-breaks disguised as a golfing weekend. The venue is the Royal Borough of Windsor, home of that most aristocratic of sartorial accessories - the Windsor Knot. Those old enough to remember dancing to the Detroit Spinners in the Seventies will also recall the thrill of learning to tie a double knot for the first time. Unfortunately, I never experienced this pleasure as my Mum had to do mine. But I digress.....so Windsor it is.

The weekend begins on the Friday 25th of August at 1pm at the famous Venue to be Arranged Golf Club just outside Windsor. A gentle nine holes competing for the FTBP 'Hors d'Oeuvres' Challenge Trophy is fine preparation for the evening's stroll down the royal town's main boulevard, the King's Road. Strange choice of name that, but I suppose had they called it the Queen's Road it would have attracted the large numbers of homosexuals that make up the majority of the population of the Homo Counties. What better than spending an evening in the company of coachloads of fat American tourists and passing ourselves off as Europe's Ryder Cup team. Dick, you can be Colin Montgomerie.

On the Saturday morning we will leave our hotel, the Royal Adelaide - I see the pom-bashing Aussies aren't averse to associating themselves with the Royal Family when there's a few bob to be made - and make our way to the Blue Mountain Golf Club in Binfield, just outside Windsor, he guessed. A brief breakfast for those poofs who didn't drink enough the previous night, or an arse-settling aperitif for those that did, will be followed by the Blue Riband event of the weekend, The FTBP 'Suckling Pig' Trophy. Eighteen holes of pure hell played on one of the most stuck-up courses in the South East. Best behaviour will be required of members off the first tee. Thereafter, you're on your own.

At 3pm we will gather in the Club bar for a late lunch and to present Stokesy with all his prizes and the winner's famed 'checked jacket'. I will follow the presentation to me of a cheap plastic wild pig as reward for services social with a long and rambling speech about nothing in particular.

Then the fun starts.

It's off to the races, Windsor Races, just outside Windsor, where Kev Ryan will put a pony on a gelding and a monkey on a mare and wonder why he only drew out £800 from the cashpoint. Should be fun given past experience. The night is wrapped up with a return visit to the King's Road to drink a fond farewell to all our new-found friends.

Interested ? Then give Ian Wilson a call on 01442-225286 during work hours and a cheque for £30 for the round of golf. Hotel prices from £47.50 a night.

See you there.