From the Smoke to the smokes, FTBP golfers will be heading out West to Marlborough Country for the first Society weekend of 2001. To the county of Wiltshire, in fact. The opportunity to play on a quite superb championship course is afforded members on Saturday April 28th at the Bowood Golf & Country Club at Calne, near Marlborough.
Bowood golfer: "I'm a Country member". Townsend: "Yes, I remember".

This outstanding course lies within the grounds of the Great Park, a beautiful area of rolling parkland designed by the great Capability Brown, an 18th Century Charlie Dimmock without the tits and ginger hair. Course architect, the internationally-reknowned Dave Thomas, describes the lie as follows: "The integration of forward tees and generous fairways ensures that the club golfer can test his skills, whilst the numerous doglegs, discreet bunkers, and tree- and water-barriers will prove a challenge for any member of the PGA", which as Bomber would say is pretentious bollocks for, 'It's a right bastard!'

At 7317 yards, Bowood will test the smokers in the group but you will at least have the satisfaction of being bronchially-challenged on one of the 'Top 50 Golf Destinations in Europe' as voted by Golf World readers.

The coveted prize is of course, the Suckling Pig Trophy (Bomber, can we have it back for the weekend, please, preferably engraved) and tee-off times will begin at 2 pm. This late-start has been chosen so FTBP members can take advantage of the excellent Society Day package of 18 holes golf and a great value 3-course meal. Rather than sitting down for dinner AFTER the golf and risking spoiling one's evening's drinking, Bowood have allowed us to take the meal as lunch, thus, ensuring only our golf suffers. How very thoughtful! The combined cost of golf-and-grub is a fantastic £28 - green fees are normally £34 alone !. Well done the committee member who bagged this bargain.

Usual presentations of prizes will take place in The Coffee Shop. Hey ! Calm down ! Calm down ! This is just some politically-correct, soft-southern-gobshite for what we Midlanders call a bar - beer will be readily available for our usual post-match banter. Check the itinerary in the box below for details of the weekend's events from the Friday to the Sunday morning.

For interesting information pertaining to the Bowood Golf Club , such as course map, course card and how to get there, click on this logo.

For a really good porn site with images of donkeys and Asian babes, click here.

Midday - arrive at Marlborough Golf Club for pre-golf drinks
2pm - 'Durex Shield Trophy'
7pm - presentation and drinks
8pm - drinks at hotel bar
8.30pm - drinking tour of town

Midday - arrive at Calne Country Club for pre-match lunch and drinks
2pm - 'Suckling Pig trophy'
7pm - presentation and drinks
8pm - drinks at hotel bar
8.30pm - tour of Marlborough's 'flesh-pots' - pubs, casinos, nightclubs, strip joints/gay bars

High St, Marlborough

Just when you thought, 'How can they beat Windsor ?', FTBP organisers have come up with a weekend deal that knocks spots off any package we've had previously.

For an amazing £27.50 a night, FTBP members will be treated to unashamed luxury at the opulent 3-star Castle and Ball Hotel right in the throbbing heart of downtown Marlborough.

Overlooking the 800 year old medieval square, guests are a mere two minutes walk from all of the town's exciting night spots. 'Dance until you drop' at one of the 14 internationally-acclaimed discos. Try your luck at the mega 24-hour Stavros Casino. Or, like Dick Jones, just relax and vegetate all evening on the hotel lobby's 3-seater sofa.

Marlborough has it all.

Hotel rooms are on a Twin-bed shared basis, but for those with vulgar personal habits, single room occupancy is available at a slightly higher supplement. A full-English breakfast is included in the cost to complete your wonderful stay here.

This is what excited guests have had to say of their stay at the Castle and Ball.

"It's in the centre of Marlborough"

"I had my own proper bed with a mattress on it"
Phil Smith

"If you're going to be ill all weekend then this is the place to stay"

"The orthopaedic sofa was wonderful"
R.Jones (Cape Town)

"There is so much to trash and the doors come off their hinges with a single kick"
D L Townsend

"Even the manager joined-in with the last-minute, all-night 'It's a Knockout' competition I organised in the car park. Shame nobody else did."
Ian Wilson

"I thoroughly recommend the Chateau Lafitte at £250 a bottle"
G. Frost

To book the Friday and/or Saturday nights at the Castle and Ball, e-mail
Phil Smith or Ian Wilson or call the Manager on 01443-678591.


In this edition, we introduce a brand new feature to the FTBP web site - The Photo Gallery. Each month, or whenever I can be arsed, we will be rolling back the years to relive the Glory Days of Cardex with a pictorial record of the people, the events and the places that made the Nineties a time to remember.

Do you recall when DLT had a Seventies footballer-style perm ? When Nige Woodus spoke with a Brummy accent ? When Stokesy lost his cherry to Sheryl ? And Vern showed us public nudity wasn't something to be embarrassed about.

Month by month, this will build into a completely FREE ARCHIVE of the era that was once Cardex. In this edition we go back to January 2001 to revisit the surprise 40th birthday party set up for DLT by his devoted wife, Carol.

How many of those old faces can YOU still remember ?

So join us on a magical tour back in time in the
FTBP Photo Gallery.

Top of page

George Street Inferno
Latest pictures
Dramatic pictures of the George St fireball have been leaked to the Press.

Pictorial evidence of the Old Town blaze that nearly cost the life of FTBP official, Ian Wilson, came to light from an 'inside source', news agencies were told today.

The terrible scenes
were captured on film by an on-the-spot amateur cameraman, but it caught fire too. The photos depicted the awful carnage that laid waste to at least a dozen T-shirts and a pillow case.

Chief Fire Officer Steele described the scene :

"This was a human tragedy just waiting to happen. You cannot count the cost of such an appalling loss of clothing. The bill must run into thousands", he said with embellished irony.

FTBP man flees country
Full Story
FTBP member Dick Jones has fled the country following a disgraceful event over the Christmas period, it was reliably reported today.

Seeking refuge in South Africa, he is believed to be currently in hiding on the Cape Province coast under a different identity.

It is recorded Mr Jones was involved in what a local pub landlord calls, 'an incident', in the week before Christmas.

Fuelled by a company drinking session in St Albans, when he went 'missing' for a few hours, it transpires the defendant made his way back to the Kings Arms in Hemel and caused 'a scene'.

Local residents describe his actions as consistent with someone who was 'worse for wear'.

80-year old local house thief, Mr R. Finch picks up the story : "He was staggering and slurring his words. He was staring at the barmaid's breasts for over an hour and gibbering away as to what he would like to do to her."

"THEN", continued the old lag, "when asked to refrain from his offensive leering he offered to buy a round of drinks for everyone present in the pub".

It was at this moment that the self-imposed exile, on realising he had no money, fled the scene to the sanctuary of his favourite tavern, the Old Bell, leaving Maurice the Kings Arms' manager a considerable sum out of pocket

"I've heard he's left for Africa", said Maurice. "He's no longer welcome here. I hope he gets eaten by a tiger." Which says more of the Kings Arms clientele than it does of the crime committed.

South African Gestapo chiefs have joined the man-hunt and believe he is posing under the pseudonym, Richard Jones. The public have been alerted to watch out for a stout middle-aged man with a bottle-tan and monogrammed dressing gown prowling the beaches for casual sex.

British police are keeping an open mind on the fugitive, given they are still eager to interview him regarding the George Street conflagration.