AAAAAGGGHHH! THE LUCK OF THE IRISH!
Continuing in the tradition of the FTBP Golf Society in it's despoiling of virgins, this year - a little later than usual - the society heads from Cowboy country to a point even wilder and further West in the British Isles. Having been banned from most courses on the mainland, we are heading for the Emerald Isle.
To paraphrase last year's quote. Townsend: "I'm a Country member". Rest of us: "Yes, we DO remember".
The course selected for this years pageant is at Ennis, Ireland - not to be confused with Innes Ireland who was a Formula 1 racing Driver in the late '50s and early '60s.
Located at Ennis Golf Club, the course is slightly shorter than last years at 5,900 yards (5395m) off the Yellow Tees.This will no doubt please those members who feel that their drinking is interrupted by the golf. We are still in negotiation with the course management, as they seem to think we might be the same FTBP GS which has destroyed courses at Leicester, Windsor and Marlborough. However the cool negotiating skills of the Social Organiser will I am sure disprove this scurrilous untruth, despite the alleged existence of photographs which apparently prove the contrary. The following description of the course is taken from the Club's Web Site:
Ennis is an immaculately manicured 18 hole Par 71 parkland
course. It's tree lined fairways and tight greens present
a considerable challenge, while it's relatively even terrain of 5600m (Championship)
make it an ideal course for the holiday and society golfer. Our club
is noted for it's hospitality and the members and staff extend a warm
welcome to visitors and societies. We particularly welcome societies
and we can offer a variety of packages to contribute to the enjoyment
of your members.
N.B. We have sought clarification of their understanding of the term "members" in tha above description and unfortunately it refers to the membership of the Society - nothing else.
The usual prize is of course on offer, the Suckling Pig Trophy, although your Committee have yet to debate whether, if Bomber wins it for the third time, he gets to keep it on a permanent basis (unlike the permanent retention he already maintains of course).
As noted above, we are still talking to the Club (which I really feel is a really good sign), so details of tee-off times etc. are still to be confirmed. These will be added to the web site, once we know what they are, of course based on the number attending. E-mails will be sent to those attending. As an example of the likely itinerary, last years timetable below, serves as a reasonable guide only the names have been changed.........
One piece of sad news I have to impart is the possible non-attendance of our beloved President For Life (PFL), Phil Smith. On announcing this bombshell to the committee, the PFL declined to offer any plausible reason for this tragedy. Our sources in Ireland however have traced it back to when he worked for Dell in Ireland (we did try to tell him that you didn't have to be vertically challenged to work for a Micro-computer manufacturer). It transpires that throughout his sojourn in Ireland he got totally pissed-off with people running up to him shouting "Feck me, oi've corrt ye, ye little Bastard, now giss me tree wishes and yer crock of gold". You can see how that may have left it's mark on our magnificent midget.
Presentation of prizes and toasts to Absent Friends will take place in the Bar (which, being Irish, they actually call a bar unlike The Coffee Shop from last year).
Check the itinerary in the box below for details of the weekend's events from the Friday to the Sunday morning.
Midday - arrive at xxxxx Golf Club for pre-golf drinks
2pm - 'Durex Shield Trophy'
7pm - presentation and drinks
8pm - drinks at hotel bar
8.30pm - drinking tour of Ennis
Midday - arrive at Ennis Golf Club for pre-match lunch and drinks
2pm - 'Suckling Pig trophy'
7pm - presentation and drinks
8pm - drinks at hotel bar
8.30pm - tour of Ennis' 'flesh-pots' - pubs, casinos, nightclubs, strip joints/gay bars
Abbey St, Ennis
or contact the Hotel direct (more expensive Nige).
Forget the squalor that was Marlborough. Your committee have excelled themselves discovering this typical example of a 3* Irish small town hotel. The Queens, founded at the turn of the 19th Century retains an old world charm without compromising on comfort or quality. It is located next to the ruins of an old Friary, founded by the Fransiscans in 1242 ad, which will make it the oldest chip shop any of us have ever been to. Don't say your committee ignores culture!
The rooms have all the mod cons the average society member could wish for - Beds, sick buckets etc. For those looking for a little more luxury, all rooms have direct dial telephones, Multi channel (that's at least two) TV with video, (complimentary paper tissues provided for those looking in on the adult films), complimentary tea/coffee and a hairdryer. We are making arrangements to ensure that the hairdryer is removed from his room should Kev Havlin decide to attend.
The Hotel is situated in the centre of town, handy for all pubs, restaurants and massage parlours. Should you not wish to leave the comfort of the Hotel, there are 2 bars in-house, one pretentious, the other providing traditional Irish music 7 nights a week - what a pity we're only staying for two nights. n.b. for those who wish to stay in the Hotel, the direct dial telephone system should come in handy for the take-away massage parlour. Additionally the Queens features it's own night club, so those hoping for a good night's sleep are stuffed.
Ennis blows Marlborough away!.
Hotel rooms are on a Twin-bed shared basis, but for those with
vulgar personal habits, single room occupancy is available at a
slightly higher rate. Breakfast is included
in the cost to complete your wonderful stay here.
This is what excited guests have had to say of their stay at the
"I wish to God I was going again this year"
"Who the F**k is Innes Ireland?"
"Sofa, so good"
"There is so much to trash and the doors come off their hinges with a single
kick" (yes, you're right, same predictable quote as last year)
D L Townsend
This little piggy went market
"These days I can't afford the Chateau Lafitte at £250 a bottle"
To book the Friday and/or Saturday nights at the Queens Hotel, e-mail
In this edition, we introduce a brand new feature to the FTBP web site - The Photo Gallery.
Each month, or whenever I can be arsed, we will be rolling back the years to relive the
Glory Days of Cardex with a pictorial record of the people, the events and the places that made
the Nineties a time to remember.
Do you recall when DLT had a Seventies footballer-style perm ? When Nige Woodus spoke with a Brummy accent ?
When Stokesy lost his cherry to Sheryl ? And Vern showed us public nudity wasn't something to be embarrassed about.
Month by month, this will build into a completely FREE ARCHIVE of the era that was once Cardex.
In this edition we go back to January 2001 to revisit the surprise 40th birthday party set up for DLT by his
devoted wife, Carol.
How many of those old faces can YOU still remember ?
So join us on a magical tour back in time in the FTBP Photo Gallery.
George Street Renovations
You will all remember the devastation that was Ian's bedroom at George Street.
What a difference a year makes! Following extensive, nay expensive, renovations and personal touching up by Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, Ian is now happy.
The change has to be seen to be believed. I'm sure you will be impressed by the workmanship involved and also by the fact that Ian is sticking to his guns by not letting the room develop into the firetrap it was previously.
Following in Ian's footsteps, our beloved PFL is trying the same sort of scam, by destroying his one piece of furniture, drawer front by drawer front. Phil was quoted as saying "I haven't got the bottle (nor the T shirts, nor the blow torch) to try what Ian did. I'm sure that I can persuade the Landlords to buy me a new bedroom suite if I can just convince them it was woodworm." Phil was last seen boring holes on his bedroom unit with the point of a compass he stole from his kids. They, of course, are totally traumatised by their sudden inability to form a circle (don't know why, there's enough of them).
The news of renovations at the old homestead just do not seem to stop. No sooner had the fire damaged bedroom been sorted out than we were told we were going to get a new Bathroom suite - well it was a 9 month wait but who's counting?
Guessing at new Avocado fittings, we joyously waited a few more months for the Landlord to decide which modern-day colour we were to receive. Finally the new suite arrived - yes it was White - but at least we get a new toilet seat out of it - no, they used the old one (which is also white after a good scrub). The new suite was fitted in a day (after a fashion) and then we spent the next 3 weeks counting the 4 inch Tongue and groove planks (faux panelling) fitted by the landlord's tame, 83 year old odd-job man, on a daily basis. We are told that the carpet fitters will call any day now once the landlord's have decided exactly which shade of sensible white carpet they are going to provide us with.