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The home of the Cardex Golf Society

Your CGS Pro, Mr. Kevin Wray

Want more distance?
Hit the ball and run backwards!

* Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
* Form a loose grip.
* Keep your head down.
* Avoid a quick back swing.
* Stay out of the water.
* Try not to hit anyone.
* If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
* Don't stand directly in front of others.
* Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
* Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off

Our own Canary-yellow shirted pro gives you the answers to your Golf problems

Question 1 from D, West Midlands

D: I don't seem to get very much distance off the tee. Where am I going wrong?
Wray: I can see your problem straightaway. It's Loft!
D: Loft? You mean I'm getting too much height?
Wray: No, just Lack of Fucking Talent!

Question 2 from R, Hemel Hempstead

R: I'm playing a course at the weekend which has a lot of water. Teeing off from the 2nd, you have to drive 200 yards to reach dry land. Which club would you recommend Mr. Wray?
Wray: For that sort of carry, I would always select a Spurlash.
R: What's that - the old name for a 3-wood?
Wray: No it's the sound your fucking ball makes as it lands in the water

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

I was emptying a very old jacket last week and found a cheap day return ticket. It took me back.(Courtesy Lofty)